Eff You, Law of Attraction
I hesitated to share this with you this morning, because I really don’t want to bring you down. But an authentic, engaged life means that you bring the real (as long as it is somewhat useful).
This morning, I’m struggling with being idle with despair. Because I’m going through something that sucks. Something deeply frustrating, something I’ve tried really hard at. And there’s no easy way to give up on it.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that my horse, Ed, is mentally ill, that he probably suffers from schizophrenia, that he will never be able to have an okay relationship with a human.
I adopted him three and a half years ago. I saved him from going to slaughter, this perfectly healthy, beautiful horse with a messed up mind.
I read the books. I sent him through training. I tried everything. I loved this horse. I love this horse.
And I didn’t get the lifetime movie ending that I expected.
He was probably genetically predisposed to it. He suffered at the hands of some terrible people. And the only fix to this is either me spending $5000 a year for him to live in a pasture, or having him put to sleep.
Sometimes the Twitter just Pisses Me Off
And then I got on Twitter this morning and somebody wrote: Wherever we’re giving our attention is our vibration, & the Universe is matching it. ~
And I thought, How in the hell did my feelings and vibrations get me a schizophrenic horse?
This is the downfall of the Law of Attraction. We are not rats in a maze with a food button, and if we just push the food button, we get the kibble.
This is not to say that it doesn’t help to be hopeful and to be focused and clear about what we want.
This is to say that we are working in a place with many moving parts. We come here with lessons to learn. What we desire can sometimes be at odds with what we need, with what we’re here to do.
The Law of Attractionists would say, Well, of course, if you feel that, then you get that.
Isn’t that convenient?
The Consolation Prize: Education
So, then I go to the consolation prize. I think, Well, if I can’t have a healthy horse, at least I’m learning something, right? There’s a lesson here, right? This isn’t just pain for pain’s sake.
I sought divine guidance this morning. In talking with the big man upstairs, I got a lesson in listening to my intuition.
I was brought back to the moment that I decided to adopt Ed.
I remember the voice saying, Don’t save this horse.
I saved the horse.
This morning, I got the message, We had a plan for him to come home.
Here’s My Truth
I signed up for this. I signed up for this because I have a big heart, and I like to save people and animals. I like to put things right. And part of that is pure goodness and part of it is ego, just like everybody else.
I didn’t listen to the voice saying, No. Stop. Really.
I didn’t trust that there was a plan for Ed on the other side of the slaughterhouse doors.
Alignment
I am learning the hard lesson of alignment. I am learning the difficult lesson of just because you hope, feel, want something, try hard for it doesn’t mean that things are going to work out the way you want them to.
I am learning that I too am bound by painful experiences I don’t understand.
I am learning that this lesson is a bit of an anomaly, that if I tally up the score, my life is mostly good and helping mostly works.
I am learning that I’m really pissed off that I have to always listen to my intuition.
I am learning to trust that there is still a plan for Ed, and one for me too.
Wow, that’s some pile of lousy news about Ed. That’s about all there is to be said about it. Sometimes things are just hard.
Yeah, you might have listened to that voice earlier. Instead you choose to listen to the voice of great compassion and dive right into this life, right now, with this horse. It may have been a dive that included a big rock hidden in the water, but remember that you choose love and compassion. That fearless choice means something, regardless of the present pain.
And for the record… yeah, right there with you on the whole Law of Attraction thing. Sometimes there’s just times that are lousy in life. We’re humans, we live in a finite world and we generally don’t like that fact. When we run into the sharp, pointy bits of life it hurts and it doesn’t matter what vibrations you send out. Now, how you respond to the hurt, how you interact with those who are hurting… well, that does make all the difference.
Sending Metta to both you and Ed.
May you both be free from fear and anxiety. May you both be at ease. May you both be happy*
Sherri
*In whatever form “happy” takes. Sometimes it is just contentment and sometimes it doesn’t fit with any other person’s definition of “happy”.
My heart goes out to you and to Ed
I’m really sorry to hear about how things have turned out with Ed. Like reallyreallyreally sorry. It’s all kinds of heartbreaking.
For what it’s worth, I appreciate you being real.
And I’m with you 100% on the law of attraction stuff. I mostly can’t stand that whole rap for exactly the reasons you gave.
So, yeah, eff you LoA. And a bushel of supportive vibes for you and Ed.
Good morning, Sweet Bridget. Simrat just sent me this link, and my heart breaks for you. My heart also is so grateful and joyful. I know – effing weird and not what you want to hear. But what if, way back when, knowing now that you have always been infinitely perceptive and open to the deepest communication from complete strangers (two-legged and four-legged alike), your insides heard Ed saying, “Lady, I’m crazy, and I need you. I know you will do right by me.) Your outsides were saying, “Don’t adopt his horse.” But you – the deeper you – knew better. Why should any of us believe our soul purpose is to pour money into any and all equines we house just to give them the best “training,” the best “nutrition,” the best “boarding,” the best life? Maybe Ed’s best life is around the corner and not here this time around. Maybe he wants to be with Cinnamon and go kick some heavenly butt. Maybe the law of attraction did exactly what it was born to do … and you listened.
Thank you for being Ed’s choice. He knew what he was doing. Nobody can convince me otherwise. And he knows what he is doing now. Just listen. He will tell you. And if you disagree with what he says, remember that you are a very important part of this relationship and you get to make decisions, too.
I will do anything you need to help. Just let me know. (But tell me directly, because I suck at reading minds.)
I agree with you about the Law of Attraction. More than that, I am so filled with sympathy for you as you go through this difficult time with Ed. Love and comfort to you.
Dear Bridget, so sorry to hear you are going through this angst. It is never easy to say goodbye, but half the battle is making the decision.
My perspective on this (not that you asked) is that it doesn’t matter if it was the wrong choice to save Ed. You did. You have some wonderful memories. Maybe the Universe was trying to teach you the valuable lesson that you can’t and shouldn’t save them all. It sounds like you have learned it well and will listen to your intuition next time. That is invaluable.
Blessings to you and Ed. May he have a safe and peaceful journey.
Hi Bridget,
I understand how you feel. I wrote a similar blog post a while back asking if LOA was all a load of crap. I understand the whole vibrational energy thingy, the “you get what you give” theory, etc, etc. But sometimes it all makes me wonder what the point is.
I agree with Sherri. You listened to your compassionate voice and offered Ed love and a secure environment. Perhaps that is the path you were both meant to travel. You learned something about yourself and grew as a person. In turn you gave Ed more time on earth.
I, too, listen and don’t listen to my intuition. Sometimes it is for the better and sometimes you kick yourself. I understand in your state of hurt and confusion you may be questioning yourself. That is okay. It is part of being a compassionate human being. I’m sure you’ll find peace and comfort in knowing what you did was the right thing to do for both of you.
Peace and light,
Amy
PS. Here is the link to the LOA post I wrote last summer http://moonroommuse.wordpress.com/2008/08/15/is-the-law-of-attraction-crap/
You have a kind and generous heart. I can only imagine what you would do for an animal that is part of your family. ( and I know what you will do for one that isn’t) If we are all children of God and being a child we do not always listen do we. You did nothing wrong but give an animal a little more time on Earth. Maybe Ed wasn’t ready to go then, maybe Ed didn’t want to listen to God either that day. Please remember the loving words you give to us and that they apply to you too.
Light and Love to you and Ed.
Melissa K.
Hey Bridget,
One thing that came to mind is something my rescue group clings to whenever we have to put an animal down for whatever reason.
You gave Ed the best years of his life!!! And if you do put him down, I hope you can do so by a Vet & not the slaughter house, which as you said is where he was headed when you rescued him. That alone is worth a WHOLE lot. The other thing we learn in rescue is that we cant save them all. For whatever reason, medically, physically & sometime financially, we just cant save them all.
I had to put one of my mares to sleep this past summer. It broke my heart, she was a rescue & I gave her the best 10 years of her life!! And I was able to call my Vet to come out and she was put down with dignity & knowing she was loved. I went into debt to rent a backhoe, hubby dug the hole & then the Vet came out. But it was peaceful and she is in a better place now with out any pain. And I would not have traded the experience for anything.
Hugs to you & Ed. He loves you!!!
Tami
This is so hard, and my heart breaks for you and Ed.
I really, truly appreciate that you were willing to share it here with us.
Partly because it’s easy to ignore the possibility that our intuition will someday tell us *not* to save someone or something. That would certainly be a hard voice to listen to.
Partly because it’s articulates so clearly why this LOA crap is so very unhelpful much of the time (if not always).
I’m wishing you and Ed the very best.
I’m so sorry to hear about Ed!
Even if he does need to be put down, it would be 100x better than him being sent to a slaughter house where who knows what would have happened to him before they put him down.
Like some others here have said, you have given him some of the best years of his life!
I am sure he loves you as much or even more than you love him. And I know it’s hard to let go…it really is. But remember that he will be taken care of up there and will never have to worry about pain and suffering again.
Just please have a vet put him down. No slaughter house.
Deep thanks to everyone’s good wishes and prayers for Ed and me.
If we get to the point where it’s time to put him down, we will use a vet.
I wouldn’t run him through a slaughterhouse. Ever.
Victoria- This is exactly the struggle that so many of us face at some point or another. When we’re told to let something or someone go, when our instinct says ‘save’.
Thanks for the good thoughts.
Tami-
It’s great to see you on here.
It does mean a lot to have given him a few good years.
I want to let you know that I would never use a slaughterhouse with Ed. Ever.
Bridget, I’m sending you and Ed lots of love in this difficult time. I’m so sorry that you are hurting. I hope both you and Ed find some peace at the end if this struggle. You are such a good, loving person… I don’t give two hoots for the LoA… but I do believe that you and Ed came together for a reason.
Bridget, we’re given free will for a reason. It’s hard for me to articulate what I want to tell you because I’m crying right now. I’ve rescued a few dogs and cats along the way, against the wisdom of my inner voice. My dog Murray, with whom you’ve spoken, is one.
For all the pain and frustration and doubts along the way, we still gain something from these troubled animals. Sometimes just what that is doesn’t show itself until later, when we find another one in need and it clicks: I know what I need to do for this animal.
I’m told we don’t always get the dog we want but we always get the dog we need. I don’t know if that also applies to horses. The plans always leave room for detours; you’ve surely done Ed no harm by providing him this detour. His spirit, when it does go home, will comprehend and remember what you’ve given him even if his current mind cannot.
Love to you and to Ed.
I think the Law of Attraction has its points. Like yesterday when I was feeling like total shit and I blogged about how everything I do is crap. And then I cried some more and cried more and felt very frustrated. And I yelled at Fancyhats and got very huffy at the internet and life and everything.
And I drove away and got into a fender bender. My fault. With an expensive car. Very expensive car.
And the people got out of the car and they were dripping in diamonds and the woman was actually wearing a fur. It was 65 degrees out and she was wearing fur. And knee high boots.
And I said, look. I’m a single mom and I get no child support and blah blah blah. And she just looked at me and said, “none of us can afford this.”
And I really wanted to yell, FUCK YOU. And I drove away and all I could think is, sheesh, that was quick. I say I have no money and suddenly I have even less.
None of us can afford it.
Huh.
I’m rich.
[...] I read Bridget’s recent post, Eff You Law of Attraction, I was nodding my head so much that I got a neck [...]
Words, come easy.
Subscribe to the Voila! Blog
Recent Posts
Categories
Recent Comments
Most Commented
Blogroll