Be Nice

I was born an intense, stubborn little creature. There were way too many emotions wrapped up in my little body.

The hardest one to control was anger.

I’d try to be patient, and then I’d feel this teakettle heat up and up and up and then I’d blow my stack.

And then I’d get punished for it.  I had a temper and I didn’t know what to do with it.

I felt like people didn’t get me, and as I got older, I realized that if they didn’t get me, at least if they were boys, I could beat them up.

This was also frowned upon.

Nobody explained to me that my intensity needed a direction.  Or perhaps they did and I don’t remember.

I was told to be nice.

Be Nice is an important lesson. And fierce little girls were under-appreciated in my rural community.

The Bitch of Corporate America

Fast forward 25 years. When I was 32, I was working in corporate america as an IT product manager. I had a product that did $32M in sales a year. I had a lot of pressure on me.

I just said what I thought. I was really good at my job. I was REALLY REALLY GOOD.  I was whip smart and I brought in a lot of money for that company.

I was also a bull in a china shop that rubbed people the wrong way.

It didn’t take long for me to run into trouble.

My VP actually said, You know, your ideas are fine, and if you were a guy, you could say them the way you say them, but coming out of your mouth, you sound like a bitch.

I was put on probation at my job. I lost a $20,000 relocation bonus.  It sucked.

Again, the message was Be Nice (but somehow also be effective).

I didn’t know how to talk so people would listen.

I didn’t know how to channel my ferocity.

I also didn’t know quite how to tell that company that I was done with them.

Fired!

I got depressed. I went to work and surfed the internet for 9 months. I stopped working on all of my projects and they finally fired me.

That hurt. A lot.  It hurt to not be listened to. It hurt to be misunderstood. And it hurt to be told that despite my brilliance, I was not a fit.

Don’t get me wrong. I deserved to be fired after 9 months of ineffectiveness.  Their and my lack of knowledge about how to handle intensity in female leaders caused a problem that could not be fixed. And that’s sad.

Fired Again!

Then I tried corporate America again. I tried working for another company, and this time, I stopped being ferocious at all.  I was very kind and loving and only somewhat effective. I made pretty ads and brought in a lot of leads, but I didn’t show any leadership.  I was lovingly let go after about a year and a half.

Power + Pretty = What?

Our culture likes powerful women in a pretty package.  There are aspects of feminine power that are vastly under-appreciated in corporate culture. That’s a fact.

As women, we must find our own peace with this. We must reject the aspects of this system that are harmful. We must teach where we can. We must not become bitter.

It took me another four years to get right with ferocity.

It took a lot of sitting zazen and walking on country roads and trying out my fierce intrapersonal skills.  It took living with a loving, non-confrontational man to learn how to speak softly when softly is required.

Here’s the lessons I learned:

1. It’s okay to be intense and to care. Ferocity is fine.

2. Intense listening is as important as intense speaking.

3. Gender should have nothing to do with it. If it does, that’s an opportunity to teach someone about the strength of women (don’t do it by whacking them upside the head).

4. If someone misunderstands you, don’t take it to heart.  Look for an opportunity to clarify if it matters to you and to the project you’re working on.

5. You were made fierce for a reason.

6. Sometimes these interactions are going to hurt. So you must love yourself before, during and after.  You must be ready for battle.

7.  Fighting a problem isn’t always about fighting a person. Try to separate where possible.

Tomorrow- Meeting your fierce self.