So, in parts 1 and 2, we did very basic things.  We identified our emotions and we felt them.

Was part 2 hard for you?

Impossible?

For many, it is.

Sit still and feel something?  Sigh.

And he never did guess, in her cast iron dress, she was burning beyond recognition.

- Shawn Colvin

Do you feel so angry inside, and yet you want others to believe that certainly, life is swell, and you are okay and not one of those crazy hysterical types? Do you feel a smouldering rage?  Do you feel misunderstood?

I’m talking to you with the perfect house, the clean kids, the sweet husband.  And also you, who are not hiding your feelings so well.

Safely Handling the Uglies

Are you burning on the inside, beyond recognition?

Would you like to defuse the bomb ticking inside you?

How do we do that?

When we ask the question, How do I safely handle my emotions?

perhaps we are asking,

How do I get through my feelings without hurting myself?

How do I feel what I feel without hurting my loved ones and wrecking my relationships?

How can my emotions be helpful to my process of living and not just things that make me feel bad?

Good Questions

Let’s take the first one today.

How can I get through my feelings without hurting myself?

Are you afraid to be caught up in your emotions?

What if the pain never stops?

That would be really bad.  Also, quite unlikely.  The universe has never been a straight line about anything. What would be the purpose of perpetual suffering?

Whatever you feel, the divine feels too.  And I have it on personal authority that they are just not into the pain.

Feel the Emotion

You have to feel the emotion for it to become useful. Otherwise, it is just like a piece of food in your teeth.  It rubs and hurts, and is good for nobody.

Consciously Handling the Emotion

When I am feeling anger or rage or sadness come upon me, I make a date with myself.  Sometimes I can put it off for the weekend, other times, I’m not so lucky.

Depending on the emotion, I mark out an hour or a day to feel it. For example: Tuesday.  I spent most of Tuesday feeling out the corners of my existential funk.

Once I took a whole weekend to myself, and cried and raged at a rented cottage in rural Oregon. I was grieving a dying relationship.  I came away feeling strong and positive and better.

The weekend to yourself is a good luxury, but even an hour on a hiking trail or at the batting cages can be good.

There are lots of us who cry in our car.

I like dealing with my emotions outside my home.  I think that’s because I live with 3 boys, a partner, 3 dogs and 3 cats. There’s no way that I’m having the emotion by myself here.

But if I lived alone, I think the getting out and feeling it option would still prevail. I don’t want my bed to be a nest of tears.

Sharing/Burdening

There is a fine line between sharing your pain and burdening others with your pain.  I’m a private person. There are few who see me suffer (unless they read my blog).  I don’t like the idea of burdening others.

But, it’s not always wrong or bad to do so.  Sometimes your pain can illuminate the lives of others.  Sometimes I like to be there for my friends. That’s what friendship is.

Bearing Witness

You don’t have to feel it alone.

You can also go to a friend and say, I need to feel something and I don’t feel safe. Will you bear witness for me?

The rules to Bearing Witness are very clear.  Tell your friend the rules.

They are:

1. No advice.

2. No saying “Get over yourself”.

3. No saying  ”It’s going to be okay.”

Your friend sits and comforts.  You see and feel the pain. You let your friend your comfort you.  And then when you are done, say  I’m done.

Then the advice can come, as needed. Or not.

Don’t Be Sorry

Often, when I am working with a client, the tears will come.  And invariably they will say, “I’m sorry!”, as if crying were some mortal sin.  It’s not.  It’s okay to cry in front of one another, as long as we are over the age of 12.

The pain will go away. It will turn into an answer.  You will not be stuck in the feeling forever.  I promise.

Emotions are like Babies

They need our attention at the most inconvenient times.  If you take the time to feel them, and don’t let them pile up like the laundry and overdue library books,  they won’t be so urgently thrust upon you.

Talk to me- what do you do to face the difficult emotions?

Tomorrow- How do I feel what I feel without hurting my loved ones and wrecking important relationships?