I often go into a blog-post writing with the hope that I can solve a problem, once and for all, in the space of 500 words.

I feel like I’m writing things like “Transplant your own liver in 5 easy steps!”

But, there’s so much to say.  And I want to get it out and then talk about it.

Thank you for reading this, and talking with me about it, and finding value sometimes, and tolerating my words when the value is hard to see (or maybe not there at all. or only slightly formed, embryonic, looking like head goo).

Gah! Emotions

One of my friends, Juanita, commented that she often will feel an emotion and say “Why am I feeling that? That’s stupid!”.

Why do we do this?

When are our feelings ever stupid?

I would venture that our feelings are never stupid.

Misplaced, misdirected, untimely, annoying, frustrating, distracting?

Yes.  They can be all of those things.

But also-

Signposts.  Direction.  Alarm Bells.  Nuances.  A pinch.

Don’t Be a Prisoner

For the first 32 years of my life, I was a prisoner of my emotions.  When I felt bad, I felt bad.  When I felt bitchy, I was a bitch! Oh the Drama!

It didn’t occur to me that I could do something about this.

My emotions were an ever-changing river and me and all my loved ones were stuck on the raft.

Then one day, my therapist, a really smart guy named Jim Thrower suggested that I ask a few questions whenever a difficult emotion came up.

They were:

1. Am I hungry?

2. Do I need some sleep?

3. Do I need to exercise?

4. Do I need to go to the bathroom?

5.  If the answers so far are “NO”, then ask  why am I feeling this? What is this emotion trying to tell me? What should I do about it?

Looking at this list, it seems so obvious.

Mistaking our physical needs for emotions

How out of touch does somebody have to be to mistake hunger for anger?

And yet, there’d be times when I’d be ready to blow my top and realize that it was 6 pm and all I’d had to eat that day was a snickers bar.

So, first comment I’d like to make is that if you don’t do this… If you don’t take time to nurture, then you really gotta do that.

Put reminders in your calendar to eat, to go to the gym.  Try going to bed for 3 nights in a row before 10 pm.

Overwhelming, out-of-nowhere emotions can be dietary.

Feed me a piece of cheesecake, wait 12 hours, and then see what happens.  Dairy and sugar turn me into a bitter, evil person.

Now- onto the emotions part.

The Emotions Part

Let’s say that you do that. You’re good at asking the questions, and eating, sleeping, exercising and keeping yourself regular.

And here comes a difficult emotion.

Let’s get out some baskets.  Do you need a basket? You’ll need three of them.

Here’s one:

Our baskets, for this experience, are virtual.

But, if you really like this basket, and want to buy it, you can click on the picture and buy it, and support women artisans in Rwanda.

Your Three Baskets

Okay. You’ve got your three baskets-

You are going to label these baskets this way:

1. Not my emotion

2. I need to resolve this

4. This is just part of where I am now

Not My Emotion

The not my emotion basket is a really good one.  It is especially good when we work or live around people who are going through a hard time.  The cranky co-worker, the moody teenager.

If somebody harumphs through your space and a few minutes later you are upset, it could be that you just have their residual energy stuck on you.

Literally.

Our emotions stick to what’s around us.

Our anger can really stink up a joint.

So, ask the question, ‘Is this MY emotion?”  and if you feel a “No,”  float back to you, then relax and let it go. It’s not yours to feel.

Some people need more help than just identifying.

If the energy is really stuck on you and it isn’t yours-

1.  Take a bath with a 1/2 cup of kosher or sea salt and some cut up limes.

2. Feel where you feel the emotion in your body, and then pretend that the emotion is a dust bunny or cotton candy. Draw the emotion out with your fingers and then flick it at the ground.

3.  Command the emotion to leave you.  Say, “Feelings I’m feeling that are not mine, go in the ground where you’ll be fine.”  Imagine the emotion jumping off you and running down into the ground.

For The Other Baskets

Okay, so the emotion is really yours.

Take a moment to feel the emotion in its entirety.

Don’t hold back from it.

This takes courage.

You have to feel it. Feel your emotion’s very nature, because the clues are in the details like a good oyster.

(If you live outside the Northern Pacific Rim, you may have never had a really really good oyster. I feel your pain. Just go with me here, take my word for it.  )

When you eat a good oyster,  you will find that there are many flavors inherent in said oyster.  It can taste: lemony, briney, winey, like the sea.  It can have a hint of mushroom or berry or sand.

A feeling can be that way too.  You can feel frustration tinged with ironic humor.  You can feel sadness tinted with appreciation.  It’s rare to feel one thing, completely.

Feel it. Feel it. Feel it.

Once you feel it, it may blow away like a little bit of ash.

Or, it may still linger long enough for you to describe it.

Taste that emotion and then describe it (out loud, to a friend, in your head, whatever). You can talk about the quality of the pain, the strength of the confusion, the intensity of the emotion, the memories it brings up.

Then, it is time to decide if you need to do something with the emotion. Is this emotion a call to action or part of the process?

Ask yourself that very question. Do I need to do something?

It’s your life. You will probably know.

If you don’t know, that’s okay.  It’ll come around again if you need it to (I hope you don’t hear ominous music as I say this).

I Need to Resolve This

When your emotion appears, and you realize that you need to resolve the issue behind the emotion, it can feel like you’ve come upon a full mousetrap.  Gross. Get it out now.

I think it can be useful to think this through.  To not go spinning into the first answer that presents itself.

Because logic with emotion gets a little wonky.

It comes up with answers like this:

My wife and I aren’t getting along right now, so we’re going to have a baby.

This semester really sucked. I am not cut out for this school thing.

I am going to do this super-amazing thing that I never cared about until right now.

Yeah.  See, after we feel the emotion, there can be a void before the answer.

I fill this void with movies. Sometimes with yoga. Sometimes noodles.

So wait, and then when you feel a little more clear, plan, think through, take small steps.  Leave that junk on the road behind you.

This is Just Part of Where I Am Now

Sad days happen.  Hard days happen. Not every emotion is a clarion call. Some of them just happen because life is difficult. An emotion can be a step that honors your journey.  It can be a place that says I am here now. This is part of the progression.

Tell me: Did this help?

What questions come to mind?