Hold on…
Before we get started, I want to make a special note about mental illness. What I’m about to describe is not mental illness. Mental illness is different.
So, if you are experiencing emotional wretchedness and it lasts more than 3 weeks, or you start figuring out how to kill yourself, then you really need to get yourself to a mental health professional. Do it. The world needs you and you’re worth it.
One more note: It took everything I’ve got to write this post today. I wrote it because I need something good to come out, right now. I am now going to go sit quietly in my office and meditate. Thank you for reading these words and being part of my healing.
Okay, Onwards
There’s some un-nameable something in my psyche right now.
It’s like something deep is shaking loose, and with it, the usual suspects of fear and shame and anguish.
If I look at this energetically, something in my 3rd chakra has been ready to break surface, something buried is ready to come out. This is good. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but it’s good. Cognitively, I know that.
It has something to do with power, will, self-esteem.
I think it means that I will be ready with the new space I’m growing into.
But emotionally, I’m a mess.
I’m having bad dreams. I’m staying up late. I can’t eat. Literally, I have no appetite. If you’re around this site for more than 10 minutes, you know that this, for me, is a very bad sign.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I don’t want you to assume that every day of my life is shiny and happy and complete. And also…I want to point out something useful for you.
The Truth
When we are having shifts in our psyche, in our way of being, even positive shifts, especially positive shifts, junk shakes out. Bits of dark flotsam and jetsam slip out. This stuff feels awful.
It can take many forms. Mine takes the shape of shame. Not-good-enough-ness. And someone in the background sarcastically laughing at my optimism.
It can also take the form of anger. Or ennui. Or deep, unending sadness. Plate-breaking rage. Hopelessness. Severe sensitivity.
You might lose the ability to eat. Or sleep. Or put more than 3 words together.
You are not lost. You are in the throes of deep change.
What to Do
Take the sanest, kindest part of you and let that part look underneath. See what good is breaking surface in your system. If you can’t see it, don’t worry. It’s there. This is how things work.
Do not assume that you are doomed, that you deserve to feel bad, that you are just a piece of suckiness on a rock circling an ever-burning ball of gas.
In fact, make no assumptions about what comes next, you brave thing, you.
Look for the little birds around you, on their way, searching for seeds, singing for territory and mates.
Tell the people around you what you need. Be clear about what you need, or be clear that you don’t know what you need. Take suggestions from the peeps you trust.
Hold on.
Yes. You. Now. Hold on.
Need a song?
How about Everybody hurts, by R.E.M.?
ohmyBeloved (you know? instead of mindlessly saying “ohmygod” -which i do too often) – this is what we ALL need to hear. The bravery/courage/openness/willingness to be vulnerable to share this is … over-the-top gorgeous. !! Sing it, sister – sing it loud!!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart -and the flotsam/jetsam of my days!!!!
This is lovely. Makes me think about how mountain ranges are formed. There is lots of grinding and cracking and crunching, earthquaking, pushing and shoving, lava and volcanoes exploding everywhere and general chaos.
But then when the dust settles you have beautiful new scenery to look at and a whole new set of obstacles to tackle (because you have to *climb* the mountains now that they’re there, right?).
I’ve been allowing myself to emerge from the murky waters beneath the surface myself, that place where there is so much feeling that you simply stop feeling entirely, and your post today really resonates with me.
Bookmarking it to be a light in my future darkness. A reminder of something that can be done when you feel you will never get out of the swamp.
Thank you, lovely Bridget.
I just want to say thank you. Thank you for this, thank you for your warmth and positivity, and for giving us so much of you. Love you! I’m going to go find some joy now.
{{{Bridget}}} – I want to plaster your hug graphic from your moneylicious post right here. Your honesty that you aren’t shiny happy all the time, that you struggle with ups and downs like the rest of us is very validating for me, and I’m sure everyone who reads this. As Fabeku would say, ROCK ON Bridget!
I’m having some similar earthquakes (what do they call those when they happen inside of you instead of the earth?) and I’m feeling that it’s a result of Rock Star Intuition. Sometimes I’m scared that I won’t live up to what’s going on or that I’ll furl up and retreat. And now and then, I’m excited that something is going on deep inside and I’m eager to see what it is. My emotions are all over the map and I can truly relate to what Emily said, “that place where there is so much feeling that you simply stop feeling entirely.” YES! I was in that place last night. It was a heavy place and I simply needed to disconnect. I feel lighter today (and considerably so after reading this even though it’s a heavy post). I need to know – and remind myself – that others can be emotional wrecks from time to time and not be a whack job (which I fear I am at times!) wow – that was so not articulate so I hope you got what I was trying to say.
I’m working on patience and faith (perhaps intuition?) that most of this “emotional stuff” will work itself out in its own time if I stay in the groove with Rock Star Intuition, rather than getting scared and not following through (my typical pattern). So I’m practicing . . . ah the beauty of baby steps
Thank you for sharing Bridget. It really means so much!
this breaks my heart (nd opens it just a little bit more) thankyou for the hold on message – i have the pondscum rising at the moment and this is a blessing to hear <3
It seems from these comments, that there are a lot of people going through this right now. (Myself included). A lot of positive things coming up, but at the same time releasing a lot of sludge-y stuff that needs to be released so that we can move forward.
Bridget, thank you SOOO much for sharing this post because while I do not wish your current state upon you, it is refreshing to know (and see) that it is not always smooth sailing. It helps all of us see that we are not alone when we are going through our “growing pains” <–that's what it feels like to me.
I admire your courage for speaking out about it. I can learn a lesson (actually quite a few lessons!) from you.
Sending you very big big hugs, some hot tea, a foot rub and some coffee cake. Not in that order.
thanks for writing this. i’m glad you are feeling the feelings, too.
Well, you hit the nail on the head with this post. There’s been a lot going on lately with turning a creative outlet of making earrings into a store on Etsy and then getting an opportunity to be on TV to showcase the earrings at some date in the near future. The emotional marbles starting rolling around in my head and not making a lot of sense, but lots of interior noise. Feelings of pride slammed against feelings of not being good enough and “who would want to see me on TV”? I felt like a teenager again with everything colliding, but I knew if I held on long enough that something would shake out and return to a nice calm orderly tin of marbles. But after reading your post, I’m not so sure I want everything to return to orderly and calm, because it sounds like I need the marbles rolling around a bit more to keep me on the path. It’s just nice to know what it is and what I can do to help myself out.
Bridget, first – wow…phew…and – amazing post. Why? Because you are allowing that hurting, scared and ashamed part of you to be seen by us. That is real courage, strength and vulnerability. A beautiful beautiful thing. Thank you. Second, the shadow side or the fragile emo kid living inside of each of us (rocking out to Smith’s : ) is a great teacher…But, nonetheless, a tough one. Being uncomfortable sucks. I’m sending you a massive chakra squeeze, loads of warm, calm and supportive love and the knowing that you *will* come out on the other side. Better. More Bridget. More love. More okay. And btw, I totally have gone through this skin-shaking, inner-self quaking nuttiness practically bi-monthly this past year. Huggy! You are not alone woman.
You brave thing, you.
Sending Big Love.
Love to you Bridget.:o)
Aw Bridget, big {{{hugs}}}, didn’t spot this post until today!
To all of us, we’re great at supporting others feeling like this, but not so good at looking after ourselves when we’re in this position, so have a group hug.
Being through the low points lets you appreciate the highs even more
x
Hi Bridget,
What a wonderful post. I love your honesty in speaking about the tough place you’re in, and the way you model and share such a conscious path through it.
Thank you for this.
*big hugs*
Wow!
First, deep love to each of you who read this, and to each of you that responded.
Square-peg Karen- Thank you. I take my courage lessons from you, my sister!
Super-Careo- That image is exactly it! Mountains are forming! And sometimes plate tectonics are loud, scary things.
Emily- I know that so much feeling place. Hope your ascendancy from the murky waters comes with peace and comfort and whatever else you need.
Juanita- You are so very welcome!
Maribeth- The beauty of baby steps indeed. Really happy to be part of your journey and to have you as part of mine.
Jane-
That’s the funny thing about heartbreak. It can make more room sometimes. Hope you’re healing.
Rhonda- Happy Birthday! I talked with so many people last week who were feeling the same thing. A little wrinkle in our universe.
Liv- you are so welcome. Hoping that today you can believe in the good. I know how hard that can be.
Kerri- Marbles are great, even when some are lost (not that you are losing yours!)
Elena- Thanks for the huggy. And for honoring my pain.
Mahala- Thank you so much.
Mari- Love to you too!
Caz- your group hug is deeply appreciated.
Dave- I am of the opinion that this pain has to be good for something. And I am never alone in feeling anything so if I can find a way to help, I will.
Thanks for your kind words.
Everybody- this week is much better so far. And it feels so good to have good friends visiting my blog and sharing with me through good and bad times.
Words, come easy.
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